How the Pope saved Hyrule
by Kream45
Summary: Hyrule is soon to be destroyed by aliens from another galaxy. Link needs to go to the human world, find the Pope and prevent Hyrule from destruction.


Link and Zelda were sitting on the grass somewhere deep in the woods. They went there to gather some mushrooms for pizza they wanted to make, but they ended up having a sexual intercourse with no protection. Ah, Link, a little elf with a huge... sword.

"Zelda, there is something I need to tell you..." he started the conversation.

"What is it?" she asked, "Are you hungry already? You ate all of the peanut butter flavoured candies I brought 5 minutes ago!"

"No, it's something different..."

Link was clearly nervous about this situation. Zelda grabbed his hand, gently.

"Tell me, Link."

"Okay... Look at the sky, the FUCKING ALIENS ARE HERE TO DESTROY US!"

"Holy Shit, Link!"

Indeed, the sky was full of hyper-advanced spaceships from another galaxy.

Link and Zelda ran towards the town (or whatever shithole they lived in, idk) and saw aliens savagely reproducing everywhere, making small aliens, who grew into adults in seconds just to reproduce more. Soon, entire Hyrule was 100% populated with aliens, because everyone died and aliens were the only ones left.

"Link, thank God we came to the forest... the aliens didn't notice us."

"God? Who is God?" Link asked, confused.

"God is the savior and creator of the human world, whose power is over any imagination and He is the definition of love and He always forgives your sins, you only have to believe, pray a lot and regret your mistakes, that's how you step the path to the Heaven, where God exists and you will live with him after death, forever."

Link scratched his asscheeks.

"I'm beginning to think that the author of this story is really religious and he doesn't even try to cover that."

"Bullshit." Zelda said, "He's just retarded"

"Okay, but anyway, how do we get rid of those alien scumbags?"

"You need to go to the human world, find the highest representative of Christians and bring him here. His powers will wipe out all the evil from another galaxy and bring back our dead friends."

"Wow, but how do I get to the human world?, Link asked.

"There is a magical portal, leading to the human world. It's really close." Zelda said.

"Where is it?"

"In my ASS! Get in!"

Then Zelda pulled down her pants, and the portal opened, sucking Link inside.

Link travelled through time and space, and after a while, he found himself in the unholy land called Mexico.

"Oh shit, my head!", Link screamed, "It didn't hurt that way since I got drunk last year and got hit by a truck!"

Link went down the empty street. He smelled something delicious.

"Oh shit, something smells yummy! Better go and check that out."

He found a small burrito stand.

"Dear human, please share some of your precious meal with me!"

The Mexican guy didn't understand shit, but he gave Link a big and tasty burrito anyway.

Unfortunately, it was a really spicy one. Link farted so much that he flew up into the air, and landed in Vatican.

He got up from the floor and took a look around.

"This place looks like it's meant for Christian leader!" he stated, "I must go and find him!"

The pope happened to be standing right next to the spot where Link fell down.

"Holy shit, it's a talking elf!" the pope said. He was very scared.

"Dear Christian leader, I need your help in defeating a huge-ass army of aliens!"

"Oh, you should have said that right away." the pope smiled, "I specialize in defeating evil space creatures."

Link smiled. He was very happy, and he performed a cool breakdance freestyle to show the world his true self.

"Wow, sick moves, you green little shit. But it's too early for you to celebrate. I only help those who share some good cabbage with me."

"Why cabbage?" Link asked.

"Because it's a healthy and nutritious vegetable."

"It happens that I have a cabbage in my pocket. Here, have it."

Link handed the cabbage to the pope.

"Where did you get that?" the pope asked.

"Magic."

"Lol! O.o"

"Okay, we have to go to Hyrule, which is my homeland."

"Fine, yolo."

Then they used the pope's power to go to Hyrule.

It turned out Zelda was brutally "overused" by aliens and she was dead. Fortunately, the pope used Divine Light spell (+500% dmg against: Devils, Demons, Sinners, Bad Aliens from Space; revives your entire party; can only be used if the user is ranked: Pope).

All the aliens were defeated and everyone in Hyrule was revived.

Zelda got back and kissed Link.

"Wow Link! You did it! You saved us all, again!"

The pope grunted.

"I meant... the pope saved us."

"No, my child." the pope said, looking at the starry sky. "God did."

Then he started praying, so did Link and Zelda.

The pope stayed in Hyrule for a couple more days. He turned everyone Christian. Then, he came back to his world.

To this day everyone in Hyrule prays everyday to God, asking him for health, thanking him for the life he has given, and apologizing him for the sins they've committed.

Link and Zelda had a white wedding in a church, the only way it should be done.

Then, it turned out the author of this story has been abducted by aliens mid-writing, who forced him to put all of those pro-Christian stuff. Therefore, this story is published by an alien and please don't take it seriously. Seriously.

THE END

(If you have thought "Dafuq?" at least once while reading this story, congratulations, as this is the proper reaction)


End file.
